G-Ma

So my Grandma Jane, my mom's mom, has had cancer for about eight years now. Two months ago, she was given about 6 months to live. Hospice was set up, the family flew in, and we all said our goodbyes. On Thursday, I got home from church and my mom said that she wanted to talk with me. I was sitting there thinking, "Great. She's going to give me another lecture on responsibility and then she's going to tell me go clean my room. Lame." Well, that was not the case. Instead, Mom told me that Grandma Jane has only about three weeks left. Her liver and kidneys have both started failing, and for the first time, she looks like death is knocking on her door.

I don't know what to do. I have all of these feelings and emotions and I don't have anywhere to put them. They just keep running throughout my mind. I've dealt with death in the past, but this is different. My grandfather died of cancer in 2001; I was only 12 at the time. I was old enough to understand what death was, and the fact I'd never see my grandfather again, but at the same time, I didn't know what was happening to my dad. I just remember it was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. And then with Sean and Nichole, their deaths were both accidents. It's different when someone is taken from you unexpectedly, as opposed to seeing their disease slowly break them down until there is nothing left.

I just want to be there for my mom. But to be honest I'm scared. It's hard enough seeing everyone now, and G-Ma's still alive. I can't imagine what it will be like when she dies. I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it through.