i am a horrible granddaughter

My grandma has what? 10 days left to live, and I have completely lost all respect for her. She is a self-serving and ignorant person. I feel stupid for grieving over her, when she never spent more than 5 seconds thinking about my mom. And my mom is such a good and respectful daughter. She's practically a saint. My mom is the middle child, so she had to be the peacemaker growing up. She is still like that, never wanting to cause any trouble, smoothing over any fights, and just doing as she has been told. She has been going through all of Grandma's things, writing out letters, attending all of the doctor's appointments, being there for my Grandma whenever she needs her. Yet, when my mom was growing up, G-Ma didn't care about anybody other than herself- and maybe Howard (her boyfriend for the last 30 years).

Some things I found out today:
1. Grandma was a PARTIER! Granted, I knew that, but in addition to her floozy ways, she would bring home strange, loser guys who would treat her children like complete crap and did she do or say anything to stop it? No. Case in point: G-Ma's a smoker, and so are all of her friends. One boyfriend she brought home, would flick his lighter and put it underneath my mom's chin. Why would he sit there and burn my mother's skin? Because he thought it was funny. And was Grandma in the room while all of this was happening? Yes. Did she stop? Nope. I bet she probably laughed. That just makes me so angry that any mother would left her children be treated like that. Especially by someone they brought home with them. Sis told me that she would run and lock herself in the single bathroom because she didn't know what would happen if she was out there.
2. Grandma was freaking crazy. Sis told me this story about one of the fights that Grandma and Grandpa (who died before I was even born) got in. They were in the house, arguing about something, and he pointed his finger at my Grandma and she bit off the fleshy part of the tip! Apparently, before there was Mike Tyson, there was my Grandmother. Grandpa swung his finger down and ended up splattering Sis with blood. From what I was told, that was the end of their relationship.
3. Grandma only cared about herself. When my grandfather died, she didn't even bother to go to the funeral. I understand that they were divorced, but still, your five children just lost their father. Wouldn't you want to be there for your kids? Apparently not. G-Ma didn't care. She was being selfish. She didn't want to exert any extra energy that wasn't focused on her.
4. Grandma still only cares about herself. She's eighty years old, about to pass and she is still focused on her own agenda. No one is more important than her. When she sold the house that my mother grew up in, the money went into stocks for the grandkids (me, my bro, and my cousins). Once it was sold, it was supposed to be evenly divided among us, and that would be that. Well, when we got our checks on Saturday, they were all $500 short. I'm not being greedy, I am content with what I got, I don't need anymore. But where did the other $5000 go? Well, to Howard of course. And you know, I'm okay with that and everything, she wants to take care of him and she wants him to be financially stable, but there are two things that really irk me. 1. For the past 15 years, G-Ma has said that that money was set aside for her grandchildren and only her grandchildren. Yet, she gave a quarter of it to Howard- even though she is already leaving him a LARGE check. 2. Howard, who has two living sons, one of whom is an addict and has been in and out of jail, are the only two people listed in HIS will. So if he dies tomorrow, his two sons will get all my grandmother's money (Howard has none of his own). All my aunts and uncles asked for, was that Howard change his will so that G-Ma's money would be divided by 7 instead of by 2. And will Howard do it? Nope. Why? Because he's as self-serving as my grandmother. And will G-Ma insist that he changes it, so her kids can be taken care of? Nope. Because she really doesn't care. As long as Howard's good, she's good.

I guess this is really harsh, but at the moment I am ticked off. I am shaking because I am so mad. All I wanted to know this morning when I went to Sis's house, was why she was so unemotional about the rapid deterioration of her mother. She told me these stories and more and said that the reason she is so disconnected from her mother right now, is because she feels like she lost her mother a long time ago. It may sound horrible, but you know, I don't blame her. G-Ma basically abandoned her children. They grew up without a mother.