a picture

of zeke and his favorite auntie bobo. (yes bobo- like the clown. basically a childhood nickname that used to haunt me in my sleep, and its come back from the childhood nickname abyss to continue to haunt me for the rest of my life. but it is not nearly as obnoxious as it was back in the day. which by the way, was a wednesday. dane cook joke. sorry.)

after we took that adorable picture, we recreated a family pic from 8 years ago, but we added in ash and zeke. i'd post the original, but there a few things wrong with that plan. 1) no one reads this but me. 2) i was 12. i was going through my awkward phase. i'd rather relive the childhood nickname than the awkward phase.

trevor, ashley and zeke

are here. i'm really glad to see them. i wish though, that they would spend more time at home. i really just want to hang out with them. i'm still new at this whole sister-in-law thing. i want to get to know ashley better, but i can't do that if she's not here. it's like, i know trevor feels guilty for not keeping in better touch with his friends and he wants to make up for it when he's here. but does that really mean he has to be out every single night with his friends? i guess to him that's the only way they can stay friends.

anna and steve got their referral call on thursday. they are going to be adopting a 5 week old Ethiopian boy. i am so happy for them. anna has longed to be a mother for so long, i am so thankful that God has finally given them their child. i really look up to anna, i wish i could have her patience and faithfulness in God. i am so afraid of letting go of my control and letting God be the pilot in my life. hopefully, i can take anna's example and apply it to my own life.

well, zeke's screaming now, i've got to go make him a bottle...

we sang this song

tonight at the calling. it really spoke to my heart so i wanted to post it up here.

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

hillsong united. the stand.

post secret

whenever i read this blog, i always find secrets i never knew i had.












even though i am so afraid of love it's still something i want. i want to experience a relationship, someone who loves me for me- in spite of all my negative qualities i.e. my loud, obnoxious laugh, the fact that i'm not perfect, my need to hold on to everything- good or bad, etc. i want someone i can call when i have something stupid to say, someone to just talk with whenever. but i don't want someone to be there all of the time. i hate to feel smothered. and i hate to smother. anyways, i'm getting off topic. i have a friend that has had so many relationships i can't even count them all my fingers and toes. she told me the other day that she wished she could switch places with me for a day. to experience what it was like to not have all that baggage, all that pain. i'm starting to see how everyone wants what they can't have.

i saw this guy the other day. we're sort of friends, more like acquaintances. anyways, i was looking at him and i realized he is beautiful. i know that's not a way you describe a man, but that is seriously what he is. like, there is a perfect symmetry to his face (i have a thing about symmetry), his eyes are gorgeous, he has the cutest smile, and one of the best bodies i have seen in a while. i'm not saying all of this because i like him (although if he asked me out, i wouldn't say no... but he would never ask me out. i'm so out of his league- that isn't supposed to sound condescending, it's just a fact) i'm saying this because i asked the friend that was with me if she thought he was cute and she said no. i think it's funny the way people see differently. like our different attractions, our different likes and dislikes. i'm starting to appreciate how God made us all unique. my goal this year is to appreciate myself. whether i'm feeling cute or fat or smart or gross or dumb or goofy or sick or whatever. i want to be truly happy with who i am. with who God has made me to be.

i am

tired. i feel like crap. and even the office isn't making me feel any better.

i had the scariest dream last night. my family and i- plus the beckers, were living in the cohen's house from the OC. which is all fine and dandy, except we were being stalked by a serial killer who kept threatening to slice our throats. basically it freaked me out and i woke up at 830am practically screaming.

okay now the office is making me feel better. jim is impersonating dwight and that is amazing.

so my dream (and my 4.25 mile walk yesterday) drained all of my energy. so i spent the day on facebook and trying to catch up on my laundry. i decided that when a person has 19 pairs of jeans, it's bordering on ridiculousness and that there needs to be some sort of consolidation. tomorrow after i get home from JB's birthday party that's what i am going to do.

"i need two men on this, that's what she said." -michael from the office. amazing.

this is the most

ADHD, hypocritical, contradicting blog ever.

I'm watching Spark of Insanity right now. It's my second time trying to watch it because I just spent like, half of it talking with Austin via Facebook IM. Which I usually hate. But for some reason I've been on it like all day. Mostly because I have had nothing to do. I did end up going for a jog in the rain. I was soaked after 10 minutes and decided after 35 that I was just going to be done for the day. I'm 5 miles and 2 runs behind my goal so I'm going to try and catch up tomorrow. Anyways, Spark of Insanity is absolutely hilarious.

"I'm going to come back as a sensative guy driving a blue frikin' Prius! You know what those cars sound like? I'mmmmmmm gaaaaaaaay." So funny!

i was on postsecret.com today

and i saw this secret.















I am afraid of:
falling
being alone
rejection
love
failing
perfection

AnnaMac and I

were talking tonight at CityFest and I don't what it is about this woman, but she has this look that's like, "You're not telling me something and you need to tell me. I know you'll feel better once it's off your chest so just let me know what's going on. Please?" Seriously, she can convey all of that with one single look. I was given this look today and I just sort of broke down. Told her about the comment made by my "Christian Sister", my drinking habits, and my feelings about myself and God. Basically I was just sobbing in the middle of Portland, of course in front of the twins, who, I don't know if they realize this, but I am ALWAYS crying in front of them. Maybe it's just bad timing or maybe they don't even notice, but I can count at least five separate occasions where they have been in my general vicinity and I've been crying. So embarrassing. Besides all of that, Anna and I prayed for my problems, I confessed my sins and asked Jesus to forgive me. I just felt like the whole time Jesus was just saying, "I love you so much! No matter what you do, I will always love you and I will always be there for you. I forgive you for making those choices. stop making yourself feeling guilty about it because it's over and done with now. Start from here. Right now. And never forget that I love you!" To say the least, it was amazing.

And then! Anna became AnnaMac. TobyMac came on and she just started jamming out- singing with him and jumping up and down! She was too funny!

I am so thankful that God has put Anna in my life; I don't know where I'd be if she wasn't around. I just feel like I can always tell her what I'm feeling without having to apologize or feel guilty. She is such a blessing to me. :)

obviously

have too much time on my hands. that and i can't shut my brain off long enough to go to sleep.

the boys were way cute today.

they stole my iPods.

they played with their pop-up play houses.

they were really pretty great compared to the lethargic boys i had yesterday.

i am in the midst

of reading the best book ever. The chapter I'm on right now is entitled, "About My Sexual Failure." It is really hilarious.

Not That You Asked: Rants, Exploits, and Obsessions by Steve Almond

i smell like

oatmeal, syrup, chicken strips and yogurt. Mostly because the triplets decided to spill the contents of their breakfast / lunch on my shirt. I smell gross. I feel gross. And I have no idea what my plans are for tonight. I was supposed to go to this comedy show with Jess, but I was also supposed to have Lindsey and Tal over for SingStar and a movie. But Tal never called Lindsey back and Lindsey is going to the Waterfront to see Chris Tomlin. My plans are all up in the air and I hate that.

However something amazing did happen today. My new Nike+ shoes came!! Yay! Considering I spent $25 on shipping alone I should have gotten them yesterday, but I am still pretty content I got them before the weekend. I know one thing for sure about tonight- I am going to go out for a run and break these shoes in. :)

at the calling tonight

Steve was talking about when we're stuck in our relationship with God. It got me thinking that a few weeks ago, I was stuck. I feel like I still am. I get so caught up in the littlest things- like the stupid comment about my tattoo. "You know having a tattoo is a sin, right?" See? I'm still pissed about it, I just won't let it go. I think because it came from someone I thought was my friend, someone who I thought was trying to love others how God loves us, and she was just so snarky about it- I can't drop it. But I'm going to try. I'm not any better than her if I can't forgive her.

I was so excited about building my relationship with God and I just feel like I don't care anymore. I don't really feel like I fit in at my college group, I feel socially unaccepted. Part of it is because I outcast myself. I only speak with my friends, I don't reach out to others. I guess I can't complain because I'm the one hurting myself.

I think the other thing is that I'm not like the other people. Maybe it means I'm not really a Christian. But like, I believe that God sent His son who died on the cross for our sins. So I'm a Christian right? I don't think so. I'm a believer, but I don't live the life of a Christian. I drink, I swear, I judge others, I absolutely love things that are completely offensive, i.e. Superbad, Dane Cook, etc.

Speaking of being un Christian like, I am such a jerk. My mom just came in here and all she asked for was to go into my bathroom and take off her nail polish. I totally just reamed her. I didn't mean to, but why in God's green earth does she have to come into my room thirteen different times in 10 minutes, why doesn't she have her own nail polish remover (a question I asked her and she said, "I don't have the cotton balls". 1. Demetri Martin would never want the nickname of Cotton Balls. 2. I bought those at Target last week. 3. She is 47 years old! Why doesn't she have her own cotton balls / nail polish remover? That is all.)? Basically it comes down to me having no patience, to being tired, to yelling at her because she's my mom and she has to love me, and to being a bitch. Sorry, but there isn't another word for the way I just acted towards my mother.

I think that is all I can ramble on about now. I'll definitely have more tomorrow because Lindsey and Tal are supposed to come over and watch movies and play SingStar. Run on sentence much? I've decided that Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody is one of the best karaoke songs ever. Okay. Now I'm done.

something is wrong

with me. Yesterday I felt like complete and utter crap. Today I slept 12 hours- from midnight to noon. Which is soooo not typical, seeing that I usually get only about 5 or 6 hours a night. I really hope I am not getting sick. I cannot afford to get sick. I'm going to go for a walk, maybe 4 miles of fresh air will perk me up...

i have had

the worst headache of my life today. it was so bad that during french class i couldn't even see. my vision went to the crapper and i felt like i was going to ralph. it was horrible. and it lasted allllllllllllllllll day. seriously, it's still hammering at the back of my skull. this blows.

ro, who is the owner of the house i threw the party at, asked me to housesit this weekend. of course i said yes, it's $25 a night, but i think i am done with parties at other houses for now. maybe when my parents are out of town i'll throw a kegger. with all those church kids. yep, that's the plan.

one last thing (not that you asked)* is that i am planning on getting a tattoo soon. i want "listen to your heart" in japanese down my spine. i should probably ask austin to check the characters i found.

*(not that you asked) is this book i'm reading by steve almond. basically it's the best thing ever. he calls oprah "the walmart of hope". seriously, it doesn't get any better than that.

so that last post

didn't make much sense. So let me start from the beginning. I've been housesitting for Ro and she said I could have a party. So I did. It was only people from church, totally not a big deal. Anyway, after people had started leaving at like, 1030pm, the cops came at 11pm. Apparently a neighbor called and complain- yet they never came over to the house to ask if we could be quiet. So obviously there was no sort of courtesy there. Ro called after the whole cop incident and she just laughed. She thought it was the funniest thing ever, mostly because I'm this "good church girl" and I would never do anything stupid. (Sidebar: I am not so good, and I do do stupid things. Even last night, I was drinking. Like 2 Mike's which barely even count. It's not like I was doing shots of Mango Rum with Squirt chasers...) Yeah, it was ridiculous. I waaaay dislike those neighbors.
Most everyone was gone by midnight, but Suzanne, Lindsey, and Chris stuck around and we played games until 230am when Suzanne and Lindsey left. After they were gone Chris and I turned on the Olympics and watched the soccer game on USA Network until 330am. He left, I went to sleep, and I'm still sooo tired.

I just checked Yahoo! and Michael Phelps is offically the greatest Olympian of all time! He won his 8th gold medal at the Beijing Games! He is epically redonkulous. Which is an inside joke phrase, so why I just wrote it I'm not sure. Probablu because I am lame. Seriously though, after watching Michael Phelps all week, I really want to go swimming! :)

exhausted

partied out. cops called. noise complaint. ridiculous. chris just left. sleep.

my morning so far

3:55am: the shrill of my cell phone alarm wakes me up. i think i could pretty much murder the person that invented 6am flights.
3:57am: my alarm is still going off. one- i can't find it, it must be buried under my pillows somewhere. two- it would take too much effort to try and find it so i'll just tune it out until it stops.
4:05am: second alarm goes off. maybe i should get out of bed right now.
4:09am: dad comes in. okay okay i'm up now.
4:13am: finally get out of bed. this sucks. i get dressed and brush my teeth. two most important things that needed to be done when leaving the house. eh, i'll even go one more and put in my contacts.
4:25am: off to the airport. freezing in the backseat. basically dying of hypothermia. why? the ac is on. even though it is only 50 degrees outside.
4:40am: say goodbye to mom and dad. all ready to leave but... i'm stuck in my stinking spot. a red volvo station wagon has blocked my left exit and a silver beamer, "Ali 23" it says on the license plate, is PARKED in front of me, the owner nowhere to be found.
4:48am: still stuck. still pissed. am about to run down Ali 23.
4:52am: finally the red volvo moves, after the polite asking of my dad to get the heck out of the way. as i'm trying to leave, a red bronco pulls right into where the volvo was. Ali 23 is still parked with their hazards on but no driver. seriously, i hate portland.
4:53am: i'm out. thank the lord. i call my dad to apologize- i yelled at him, and ask if Ali 23 comes back to pass on the message that the PDX drop off lane, IS NOT A FREAKING PARKING LOT.

i'm done for the day. i'm going back to bed.

i was just

in the office and me and my mom were talking about my walking. She did the whole, "I'm proud of you thing" and I kept reminding her I've only been walking for a couple of weeks. Chances are I'll quit when it starts to rain. Anyway, she asked if I bring my cell with me and of course I don't. It weighs my pants down when I run every other block. I should have just said yes because then she was all like, "You don't bring your phone with you! You could get abducted!!!" Um, Mom? Fat girls don't get abducted. Especially in a neighborhood populated by senior citizens. In Salmon Creek. When was the last time there was ever any crime up in these zip codes? Yeah, never.

So Alex and I forced ourselves to go to French class today. Probably not the smartest idea. I basically wanted to rip out the lower half of my body (I hurt my hip yesterday) and I was on some painkillers and I was just super giggly. By the way, yes, I know that is a run on sentence. I do that on purpose because it is the way I talk, and I write the way I talk. Back to my story, Alex and I were just laughing away in class, doodling in each others books. Well, I guess I was doodling in hers and she kept trying to steal my eraser so she could erase some of my wonderfully artistic drawings of stick figures. Madame Blankinship called us out on it and she started calling us infants. She ask Alex how old she was. 16? 17? Well, Alex is 20. Needless to say, she was a little offended /embarrassed. It was funny though because then she started singing, "When I young, I never needed anyone..." It was absolutely hilarious. Since she had been singing that song in Hanna before class started and then it just got stuck in my head all day. And not the good version either. The one by Celine Dion. Yeah. Not so good.

Like I said last night, I went online to see the results of the Men's 4 x 100 freestyle relay. I saw that the US had won so I wasn't going to watch it. But of course I did and it was the greatest race of all time. Even though I knew they won, I got so nervous for them at the end because it looked like Jason Lezak wasn't going to make it there before Alain Bernard. But when he did I was so happy for them I almost cried! I was glad I watched it.

stinkin' olympics

are keeping me up. I wanted to go to sleep like, 2 hours ago. But then I got caught watching gymnastics and swimming. I really wanted to watch the Men's 4x100 relay, mostly because France's team are being jerks. However there is no way in Gods green earth that I am staying up until midnight and waking up at seven, so I checked the scores on Yahoo! Heck yes USA beat France by .08 seconds! Now I can go to sleep and watch the race in the morning. Thank God for TiVo. :)

i have so not

been around lately. I've been working, going to school, going to interviews (!), and walking like crazy. Which means, tomorrow, instead of going to school, going to Ro's and Brandi's, and taking Jewel and Juno on a three mile trek around the neighborhood, I'd really like to stay in my bed all day and hibernate. Will it happen? Not a chance.

I'm watching the Olympics right now. I was so ready to boycott because there was just too much hype and it bothered me. But then I realized that I thoroughly enjoy watching the Olympics. The USA Womens gymnastic team is on right now. I'd kill to be able to do 1/10th of what they can do. It's ridiculous how they twist and turn and flip and fly.

I learned a new song on my guitar. You Never Get What You Want by Patty Griffin. Not everybody likes her, but I love her voice. It's raw and cracked and I wish I could sound like that. I don't know why, it's just so beautiful to me. You can really hear the pain she has gone through and even the love she's experienced. Its got personality, it isn't some sort of cookie cutter pop star sound.

i was on cnn.com

and there is this big scandal over the Gossip Girl TV ads. They're saying the ads are risque- dealing with teen sex, drugs, and drinking. Well, I hate to break it to you CNN.com but that's what teens are dealing with. So stop criticizing this stinkin' soap and just deal with it. Maybe instead of reaming a TV show, you should be reaming your kids 'cause Lord knows they are out there right now getting drunk and having sex.

i have

nothing of value to say.

EVER.

i'm starting

a new book. The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult. I went online today to find out more about the movie, but that plan backfired. I Googled the title, and that took me to Wikipedia (my favorite site in the world) and the stinkin' description of the book gave away the ending! Which I figured it would do, but I was just going to stop reading when I got close to the end, BUT the ending sentence was right at my eye level and it was the first sentence I read. Dang it.

Alex came over today- we were supposed to do our French homework but we watched Disturbia instead. I own it, but had never seen it until tonight. Let me tell you, it was AMAZING! Seriously, I knew it was going to be good because it had Shia LaBeouf in it, but it was really fantastic. It kept me guessing and I was shocked when things happened. I will definitely be watching that one again.

When Alex was going through my movies I realized that I have a lot of movies that I haven't even seen. I.E. Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, The Departed, Snatch, Little Miss Sunshine, We Are Marshall, A Prairie Home Companion, Elizabethtown, License To Drive, Hairspray (1988), Love Story, You Got Served, and Love Actually. The Graduate and Monster, I've seen the first 1/2 to 3/4 and never finished them. I should get on that.

"You are not having sex on this stage!" Again, one of the greatest movie lines ever. I'm watching Miss Congeniality, I should really be going to bed. I've got Sunday Summer Camp announcements/prayer at 835, Carissa at 930, then SSC second service at 1025. It's going to be a busy morning...

i would really appreciate

a response from one of the families I emailed about their need for a nanny. If you are going to post an ad on Craigslist.com for a nanny, and a highly qualified nanny inquires about said position, then you need to either email me back a yes answer or tell me the job has been filled.

A little courtesy goes a long way people.

That is all.