i should be shot.

honestly, i am ridiculous.

i skipped math again today. i had hoped that today i'd be back on track with the class, but i'm still ahead. we're going over 2.5 tomorrow, so i actually have to go to class. lame. i am so bored with school. like, i really enjoy my classes but i don't have enough work to keep me occupied. i almost three hours in breaks and i'm finished with all of my work in about 1. so i have nothing else to do. it'll be nice when i get my HP laptop- i can bring it to school, write papers, keep busy.

i don't have anything too important to talk about. i need to go read my bible before read-thru tonight.

today

was a weird day. I returned my green dress- which I totally loved but it wasn't really practical- to Torrid. Allie was actually nice to me! Allie is never nice to me. She hates me. Which I'm cool with. But today she liked helped me with all of my clothes, and we made small talk, and granted, it was her sale, but she didn't have to be nice. She didn't insult me like last time, which is a step up I guess. Then Josh came over and we went and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was okay. I guess I just had really high hopes for Baby Mama and Forgetting Sarah Marshall and they were both just mildly funny. Nothing to rave about. Oh! And to add to the weirdness, I get home and my dad is watching HGTV. Freaking bizarre.

I went and saw Baby Mama with Alex and Amanda last night. I really like them. They're funny and it's cool to see their twin dynamic. It'd be fun to all go to dinner together. Just a big group of us. I haven't done that in a long time.

Okay I need to finish cleaning and then go to bed. It's been a long day.

at college group tonight

i decided that i worry too much. We were talking about Matthew 6, and the reasons why we shouldn't worry because everything is in God's hands. He has everything planned out for us; we just need to trust Him and have faith in Him and our burdens will be taken care of.

So in our small groups, we were talking about our top 5 worries. Mine are: School, Money, Work, The Future, and Relationships. When I first said relationships, I meant having a boyfriend, but then when we talked about it further I realized I worry about all relationships. I analyze all of my interactions with my friends, with acquaintances, with people I don't even know. Anna said I might be looking for social acceptance- I'll buy that. I've never been popular, but I've never been the outcast. I've always been the funny one or Trevor's little sister. I have always had a lot of friends, but I never let anyone get close enough to really know me. Like, Talia and Laurel are different. I've known them both for so long, I don't scrutinize our conversations or other interactions. Things are always just okay with those two because they have both accepted me for who I really am. I think that I am so scared to let people see me, because I am afraid of rejection. But am I the only one like that? I doubt it. I don't think anyone likes to be rejected- except maybe Nader. Has he said if he's running for President this year? Oh I don't know, I'm off topic. I think what I am going to work on is my need for social acceptance. I need to just let myself be and stop overthinking everything. Lauren pointed out tonight that I was talking a mile a minute. Well, that's how I typically am. I have ADHD and my brain moves faster than I can speak. So I try and get all of my thoughts out before I lose them but then I'm going so fast people are like, Is she on crack? That's something else I'll work on, slowing down. Slowing down my thoughts and slowing down my words. I bet I probably freak some people out with that. Wow. Okay I'm done talking now. I need to sleep!

so i'm sitting here

watching freaking, Young Guns on CMT. You know life is bad when you're watching a western movie starring Emilio Estevez. Yeah. That is what I've succumbed too.

School's been going alright. I got a B on my math test, and a B on my french test. I made stupid mistakes on both of them, but that's cool. I can't complain because I was above the class average. My Carson McCullers bio received an A and some really positive comments from my professor. I didn't think it was all that great, but considering I wrote it in about 20 minutes, I am pleased with my score. Contrary to what you may believe, I am actually a really good writer. I'd love to be a novelist but I'm pretty sure one of their prerequisites is that you have to be an alcoholic. And that I just can't do. Plus, I'm not original and I have nothing of value to discuss. Even in here I just talk about my life- or lack thereof.

I am actually hanging out with some friends on Friday. We're going to grab dinner then check out Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I love all of Judd Apatow's movies so I'm guessing I'll love this one too. I'm excited to step out of my comfort zone and be sociable. A lot of people think that since I'm loud and semi-outgoing, I'm a good hang out person. That, however, is not the case. I'd much rather sit at home by myself with a good book or my guitar. I'm like a bear, I like to hibernate.

finally

i finished my paper on Carson McCullers. I am actually excited to read her book now. Weird, I know.

I have got to study for my French test tomorrow. I am always so afraid I'll fail. I know the French words like the back of my hand; I understand what I'm doing. But still, I'm always scared that she'll test us on things we didn't hardly go over in class and I'll get all messed up and forget everything. Wow. That was a nice run on sentence.

I sat down and played my guitar today. I learned a new song, Stay by Sugarland. I never realized how hard it is to actually play and sing. I've only learned just the chords and the strumming pattern, never put all three things together. I don't think I'm going to worry about singing. It's not like I have a good singing voice anyway. Lame.

Okay, I need to study.

i am

perseverating on this stupid boy. I can barely think. I am trying to write a paper on Carson McCullers for my English class and I can't even concentrate.

Carson McCullers is much more interesting than James Joyce (our last author). She is at least an angsty writer. She was a depressed, alcoholic bisexual and her first husband Reeves was crazy. Joyce was reminiscent of Mozart to me. Mozart in my mind, was a self-indulgent tool. Joyce was the same way. He was an agnostic alcoholic. He had an incestuous relationship with his daughter. And I didn't even understand his book. No one cares about his life at boarding school or his relationships with prostitutes. Or his insane philosophical beliefs about beauty and art.

I hate Joyce.

there is a strange man

sleeping in the bedroom next to mine. It's weird. My dad's friend is in the middle of a divorce and he just closed on his house today. So until he finds a rental home, he's staying with us. I haven't had a boy living in my house for over three years- well, since Trevor chose to leave. It's already so different- like I can't use my garage door opener because my dad doesn't want Jim to wake up. And I can't set the house alarm. I like the house alarm thank you very much. I feel safer knowing that all of the doors are armed and if anyone tries to break in and kill us all, we'll be safe because a super loud alarm will go off. Wow. I think I watch too much ID TV.

ID TV. That is a whole different story. It's this channel where there are crime shows 24/7. I watch it before I go to sleep- it relaxes me. Is that not so bizarre? Last night it was a show about Spree Killers. Like they explained their crimes, interviewed them and did all of these psychological tests on them and stuff. For most people you would think that shows like that right before bed would give them the heebee jeebies. Not me. I guess that makes me crazy. But they are the only things that help me to sleep.

I can't ever sleep. I am such an insomniac. I think too much before I go to bed. Man, tonight is going to suck. Mostly because I have a stupid boy on my mind. I was telling Lo about him and she told me that he likes me. But I don't know, I just can't fathom that. In high school I always had a lot of guy friends- mostly because of my brother, but they all thought of me as the best girl (space) friend. Never in a romantic way. To think that a boy would like me now, is just so different than what I'm used to. I'm comfortable being the friend, not the girlfriend. But now I'm thinking about it even more than I was before. Boys are so complicated. Whatever, I'm sure he doesn't like me anyway. Lo's just trying to be nice and boost my confidence around this guy.

Man, I love Lo! She is just a great person. And she puts up with all of my crap, she should earn a gold star for that alone. Not to mention she listens to everything that I have to say (which is usually A LOT), the changing of all of my plans, and she helps me with my math homework because I totally suck at math. I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. :)

Okay so I have to stop blogging to no one in particular and start writing my paper on Carson McCullers.

it's a beautiful day

here in the 'couve. I asked Stone if he wanted to go to the park with me. He said no and then stabbed me in the eye with a stick. It was an accident of course, but it still hurt like a mother.

I was hanging out in HHL today, and then a man wearing a skirt came in. It was really awkward- like he wasn't in drag and it wasn't a kilt, it was just a skirt. Bizarre.

And I decided today that mustaches are not cute. They either make you look like you have herpes or like you're audtioning to become the Hilter of the 21st century. Thumbs down on mustaches.

So when the sun comes out my ADHD kicks in- hence why this is so completely random. Whatever.

the price of math books

is disgusting! I just spent $100 on my stupid math 089 book. I hope I never have to take math 211- those books were like, $187. It's outrageous.

something else that is disgusting: black jettas. gross.

So today was the first day of Spring term. I've got Math 089, French 102, and English 159. Class was good- but it's still only the first day. My math class is a little nerve-racking because I am so horrible at the subject. French is cool, I'm glad it's with some of the same people from 101. I'm not so glad about a few of the other people in class. But it's cool, I'll work on my tolerance this quarter. Alex switched into The 20th Century Novel, so now I have a friend in that class too. I'm really excited about it- the professor seems pretty laid back so it should be interesting.

I brought G-Ma and Howard dinner last night. She seemed fine, definitely more jaundiced. She looked really tired. Bobbie went and saw her today; she came home saying "I just tried to remember to have patience, and tried to remember my Christian attitude. But then I left."

G-Ma's kind of crabby, and she keeps fibbing to Rhonda (the hospice nurse) about how many Vicodin she's taking. She told me at dinner last night that she had taken three so far, yet she told Rhonda she has only been taking one a day. Thankfully Bobbie told Rhonda the truth, but I don't understand why G-Ma's lying about it. She's dying, I doubt people will be mad about how much Vicodin she's taking, if it relieves her pain.

Whatever, G-Ma is entirely too confusing. I've got to finish my math.....

they're gone

Steve, Kimi, Kyle, and Reid left today. I'm really glad to have things mostly back to normal. Don't get me wrong, I love my uncle and cousins, but I am definitely needing a break from everybody. But will I get it? No. School starts on Monday, Bobbie is still here, and Ruby and Stewart wanted to play Settlers of Catan today. I just want a day to be alone!

I'm excited to go to church tomorrow. And to see my Grandmother. I talked with my mom and everything is okay now. G-Ma still wasn't the best mom, but if my mom can forgive her, then so can I. G-Ma is not doing so well. She's missed family dinner the last three nights and my mom says she's starting to look like death. I want to see her before she goes. I want her to know that she's loved.

so we just played settlers of catan

for the last 2 hours. i totally smoked my mom, i won in like 45 minutes, but she wanted to play until she got to 10 points. which was about 20 minutes ago. by the end of the game i had 21 points and i just basically giving her cards. it was so much fun though. i had a mental breakdown right before we started playing so it was a great way to get my mood back up.

it's just been really hard having everyone here. we are all stressed, we're all tired, and we all want to be in our own homes. especially kyle, kimi, and reid. it's got to be hard spending your spring break in vancouver, when you are supposed to be home england.

it'll be nice when everyone goes home.