this weekend...

...from what I can remember was pretty freaking fantastic.
Best part: Seeing HSM 3 with Lindsey! Twice!!!

Mmmm love Zac Efron.

p.s.

OBAMA WON!!!!

YAY!! :)

i feel invisible

to everyone. I am just a filler of space and awkward silences in conversations. I am a joker, a sarcastic comment, a random anatomical part vocalized up in Gaiser.

Part of this is my own doing- I don't trust people and I don't like to tell them how I'm feeling. And unfortunately I know that. I avoid talking about myself by asking everyone else questions- which is great if these people responded with a question for me. But no. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves. If they don't have to inquire my mind then they don't. Don't get me wrong- I am my own favorite topic too; I am human after all.

My gift of being genuinely interested in other people's lives is also my curse.

The big question is: Do I want to fix this? Or do I just keep this perpetual cycle going?

Decisions, decisions...

last night

Alex came over and we tried to watch scary movies in honor of Halloween. We sort of accomplished that. We watched this movie called "The Attic" and I'm pretty sure it was one of the worst movies I've ever seen. The screenplay I'm sure, was written in 2 minutes and it was made on a budget of $12. Seriously, Alex and I just sat and laughed through the whole thing. So when that catastrophe was over, Jed swung by and we watched "The Strangers". That movie scared the living crap out of me. And the ending! Amazing! It even freaked Jed out which was rather entertaining. Alex ending up leaving at like, 1230am and Jed and I turned on "Run, Fatboy, Run". That one was super funny- but Jed was too busy IM-ing on Facebook to enjoy it. Why we're friends I don't know. He's just using me for my Wi-Fi :) It was still a good night though. I'm really glad Alex and I were able to catch up. We see each other everyday because we have Poli Sci together, but I just haven't been around very much outside of class. We even decided we're going to write a horror movie on our hour break. Obviously it took the writer of "The Attic" less time than that, so we're expecting it to be amazing! :)

i like the idea of you

but i don't want to risk your friendship to pursue a dead end.

it's not worth it.

shoot me

in the face please? kthanks.

i am so overwhelmed by school, it's ridiculous.
i am so confused about this boy, it's insane.
i am so poor, it's pathetic. (mostly because i make really good money, i just don't know where it goes.)

i am questioning everything. i am doubting God's plan. i am losing my soul to the world (thanks tobyMac).

honestly, i think that's my biggest issue. i haven't read my bible, prayed, done anything remotely religious and i feel like that is why i am so down in the dumps. i hate feeling like that too- like i've disappointed God.

i just want a week to myself. i want to catch up on homework. i want to catch up on sleep. i want to pray. i want to read. i want to eat real food (i'm on a food replacement program and all i want right now is taco bell). i want to forget about this boy- i know nothing will ever happen with him, yet i have that stupid fairy tale in my head.

i just want to hibernate for like, 72 hours and just get my head straight. is that too much to ask?

she didn't tell me anything

wow, i just heard that phrase, like a thousand times. Tonight was the VP Debate- which, I'm sure you know because I think everyone in America watched it. I feel like Biden won, but then again I'm biased because I'm a Democrat. It seemed like Palin talked in circles, didn't fully answer questions, and couldn't stay on topic. HOWEVER, she remained composed when Biden countered her opinions, she delivered her points in a clear and concise-ish way, and didn't fall on her face. So I have got to give her props. I think was kind of agressive towards her, but then again that's part of the debating process.

I've got to finish this opossum paper though, but I'll write more tomorrow.

chris brown

can take me down anytime. i'm watching his video right now. so hot.

today was the elkins going away party. it makes me way sad i'm not going to see them around anymore.

what also makes me sad is, well, life. and the fact that boys are so dang complicated. is it so hard for them to be the chaser? i hate having to be the cat, seriously, i just want to be the mouse. is it so bad that i want someone to want me? (thanks cheap trick!)

sorry. i'm a little drunk right now. and kind of depressed. which sucks. i like being the happy drunk. not the sad one.

let's try this tomorrow.

I'm in Hanna right now

and a girl wearing a tail just passed by me. Seriously. A straight up raccoon tail. If there was a way to take a picture of it without being completely obvious I would, but seeing as she is wearing a tail, I think she may a little unpredictable and I really would not like to take my chances throwing down with a chick in a tail.

Besides that, school is going pretty well. Then again, I'm only halfway through my second day. Hanna is just as weird as usual. I walked in here from my history class and as I'm passing through the doors there is a girl, who was belting out some random song. It would have been one thing if she was singing along with her headphones, but no, she was just going along, singing some random tune at the top of her lungs. Classes are good so far. I'm taking English 101, World Civilizations 126, Political Science 111, and Math 091. The people are pretty cool, with the exception of one chick in my English class that I would love to take down a notch and this dude in World Civ that thinks he is God's gift to ancient history. No joke.

I was watching SNL this past weekend and Kings of Leon were on. I've decided they are my new favorite. Random I know but I'm listening to Sex on Fire right now. I highly recommend.

i just worked a 12 hour day

with the triplets and i'm about ready to shoot myself. or have a whiskey sour. that sounds really good right now. :)

some big news, i got a job. for a family in NW portland. there are two kids, emma 11, and max 9. it's going to be in the afternoon, i'll pick them up from school and depending on the day we'll either go to yana's house or tom's house.

i'm really excited to start on monday. but right now i'm exhausted and have got to go to sleep.

Michael Phelps is on

SNL right now. He's kind of funny. And again, his face bothers me. Which is really unfortunate because he has a smokin' body.

Today I went to Stewart's soccer game. They won 11-1. It's going to be just like last season. Tristan and Morgan basically dominate the game. Stewart is getting a lot better. He is handling the ball really well. He's such a G.

After that I went out to Ticketmaster to buy Jason Mraz tickets and they were SOLD OUT! Ticketmaster broke my heart! :(

However, the Pleasure Party Brandi had this evening made up for it. Mostly with coconut rum and some amazing people. It was pretty fun after I got over all of the awkwardness that came with two of Trevor's old classmates showing up. I guess Rian is dating Brandi's brother but I did not know that Brandi even HAD a brother. But Shauna, the consultant made everything really fun and I even ended up buying some stuff. Just some body spray, it was about all I could imagine bringing into my house. Definitely not Chuck. :) :)

After the party I must have said something self-deprecating because Laurel was all like, "Bev, you have got to stop talking about yourself like that!" I guess I don't realize I talk negatively about my body. I think I am pretty; I like my eyes, my smile, and my hair. And people always compliment me on those things. But no one has every said anything positive about my weight. So since they don't, I just assume it's a major turnoff for people. Lo and Gonzy were talking the other day and Lo told me that Gonzy said I am a really great person, and a lot of guys would date me, but I'm so negative about my size and guys don't like that. Well, I have not encountered any of those guys that like bigger girls. Seriously, are they all taken? And if not, why aren't they in Vancouver? I guess my goal is to at least appear self-confident, even if I'm not feeling so great about myself...

vmas

i'm watching them right now, so that way i can fast forward through russell brand's dribble about the jonas brothers virginal status.

so a few things:
1. russell brand. no more hosting gigs for you. you were funny about one whole time during the whole two hours.
2. miley cyrus. stop talking. seriously, you say one thing then totally do another. i'm so ready for you stop "just being miley."
3. jonas brothers. i'm with katy perry on this one. their future wives are going to be the luckiest women in the world because those boys are hot.
4. lil wayne. seriously, i love you just as much as the next christian white girl but what was with your outfit? i get you paid a lot of money for those tattoos and you want to show them off. so i get the whole no shirt thing. but can i suggest a belt? seriously, i do not care about your polo ralph lauren boxer briefs. next time just take the leap and do the whole naked thing. also what is with the whole grabbing your crotch thing whenever you move. honestly i'm suprised you didn't just whip it out and start singing the mario bros theme song. (dane cook reference)
5. paramore. haley what was with your own dj diddles performance? (another dc reference) you did totally rock your song though. also i love the fact that you love shia laboeuf. because when he isn't getting smashed and driving around in his truck he's pretty hot too.
6. rihanna. you killed it. that is all.
7. p!nk. you are my idol. if i could be 1/1239487308463510083708915687543981283765 as badass as you, my life would pretty much rock.
8. mclovin. amazing.
9. slipknot. your masks scare me.
10. jordin sparks. kudos on your promise ring. i'm glad you're not a slut.
11. aubrey o'day. you should wear a promise ring.
12. christina aguilera. loved it. but um, superbitch? there wasn't another song title available?
13. britney spears. ditto on your comeback. all 3 moonman? you rock.
14. tokio hotel? who are you? seriously? bueller? bueller?
15. ll cool j. mama said knock you out!
16. paris hilton. no. go away please. thanks.
17. kid rock. i hate to admit this, but i love your new country song. oh and thanks for washing your hair. you didn't look as dirty as usual.
18. the ting tings. where did you come from? just because they play you on the hills all of a sudden makes you worthy of a vma? i'm going with no.
19. katy perry. i like you. i don't care if you kiss girls or not. you're funny.
20. kanye west. thanks for not whining about not winning this year. wait? were you even nominated? ha. i guess not. i liked the ninjas though. nice choice.

8347108735608173560872087

channels and nothing is on TV. This is so pepperoni. Sorry, inside joke. :)

i can't sleep

so i'm watching an fbi files episode on the unibomber. fun fun.

i had the trips today. they were pretty good. really exhausting. but pretty good. sam has learned to bite his brothers. he left a crazy bite mark on gio today. it was intense.

but i have them again tomorrow so i'm going to sleep. but i've got to finish this unibomber thing first.

night.

check out this site.

it definitely gave me a laugh. and a new appreciation for geeks. :)

http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/multimedia/2008/09/gallery_reader_geek_tattoos?slide=1&slideView=10

sarah palin

should be the best vp ever. just kidding! seriously, what's her issue? she's got juno for a daughter and she cut state funding for sex education last year? hmm i wonder if that was a factor in her daughter getting knocked up? and the baby-daddy is going on the campaign with her. is that really a good decision? yeah, i don't think so.
i'm hoping that she doesn't sway female voters just because she's a woman...

my mom

called today. she was all, "what have you done today?" of course, i said "nothing", because really all i have done was tune my guitar, clean out my dvr, and waste time on facebook. she then she starts asking me all of these stupid questions, "have you ran the dishwasher? did you finish your laundry? clean your room?" "well, no mom, nothing really means nothing." i don't know why is made me so upset, i was more irritated than anything. probably because i haven't done anything today. i'm still in my pjs, i did manage to eat breakfast (about five hours after i woke up), and brush my teeth. because honestly, who wants to go the entire day without brushing their teeth. dirty. however, i did accomplish something today. i found my new tattoo! now all i need to do is run it past austin to see if the translation is correct and then i'm getting it done.
あなたの心に耳をit means listen to your heart. i'm going to get it vertically between my shoulder blades. i'm so excited!! :)

movie night

was good. a little drama. which is typical for when you get so many people together. brandon was so freaking hilarious. seriously, that kid. brandon if you are reading this, YOU ARE FUNNY! just fyi. i felt kind of bad though because jamie and i kept texting each other while we were watching the goonies and i thought i was being a rude hostess. but i guess we wouldn't have had to text if there hadn't been that drama...

anyways, it was fun. i'm glad i had it.

i found a new song. so what by P!NK. she calls her ex a tool in the chorus. which i thought was funny. basically i love love love her voice. when i just need to rock out, she is my go to singer. the video is pretty rad too, you should check it out. http://new.music.yahoo.com/videos/--184533736

yesterday

was amazing. Sunday Summer Camp went really well considering the rain. Then Danger, Lindsey, and I went to Sonic after church. Which was a lot of fun. I forgot how much I enjoy hanging out with people. Well, the right people. I drove us back to the church to get Lindsey's car and we ended up having a 45-second dance party!


























































Danger was so not having the dance party. But it was still a lot of fun. I drove Alli home and I went over to Lo's for the BBQ. Which rocked! And I stayed sober (I sound like I belong in AA). I don't drink that much, just whenever I go over there. So it's a major thing that I did not get schnockered. After most of the people left, Eli, Zack and I watched Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. Eli spent most of the movie in my lap. Which would have been fine, but he's 13. Seriously, that boy is the biggest man-ho ever. His mom, Brenda, thinks it's funny he hits on everyone. And she knows I would never do anything to/with him. Um, jailbait? I'm not that desperate. But I did sort of wish a guy my age would pay as much attention to me as Eli did...


me and P.

all of us. [me, john, jake (apparently, he's a G with his hood...), maddie (so crazy), jacob (looks like the guy from Men in Black- Vincent Dnofrio), zack, and eli (why is he touching his nipotle?)]

i am so

proud of myself. Tonight is the first night that I have come home from Lo's before midnight and completely sober! Even though they had my favorite mango rum, God gave me the strength to resist engaging in the activities of my friends and stay on the right track! I had a blast too! Even when Eli decided to use me as a pillow while we were watching Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End. But it's way late and I've got to help Lo later today in her classroom so I'm off to bed. I'll write more about my day later because it was an AMAZING day.

a picture

of zeke and his favorite auntie bobo. (yes bobo- like the clown. basically a childhood nickname that used to haunt me in my sleep, and its come back from the childhood nickname abyss to continue to haunt me for the rest of my life. but it is not nearly as obnoxious as it was back in the day. which by the way, was a wednesday. dane cook joke. sorry.)

after we took that adorable picture, we recreated a family pic from 8 years ago, but we added in ash and zeke. i'd post the original, but there a few things wrong with that plan. 1) no one reads this but me. 2) i was 12. i was going through my awkward phase. i'd rather relive the childhood nickname than the awkward phase.

trevor, ashley and zeke

are here. i'm really glad to see them. i wish though, that they would spend more time at home. i really just want to hang out with them. i'm still new at this whole sister-in-law thing. i want to get to know ashley better, but i can't do that if she's not here. it's like, i know trevor feels guilty for not keeping in better touch with his friends and he wants to make up for it when he's here. but does that really mean he has to be out every single night with his friends? i guess to him that's the only way they can stay friends.

anna and steve got their referral call on thursday. they are going to be adopting a 5 week old Ethiopian boy. i am so happy for them. anna has longed to be a mother for so long, i am so thankful that God has finally given them their child. i really look up to anna, i wish i could have her patience and faithfulness in God. i am so afraid of letting go of my control and letting God be the pilot in my life. hopefully, i can take anna's example and apply it to my own life.

well, zeke's screaming now, i've got to go make him a bottle...

we sang this song

tonight at the calling. it really spoke to my heart so i wanted to post it up here.

You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

hillsong united. the stand.

post secret

whenever i read this blog, i always find secrets i never knew i had.












even though i am so afraid of love it's still something i want. i want to experience a relationship, someone who loves me for me- in spite of all my negative qualities i.e. my loud, obnoxious laugh, the fact that i'm not perfect, my need to hold on to everything- good or bad, etc. i want someone i can call when i have something stupid to say, someone to just talk with whenever. but i don't want someone to be there all of the time. i hate to feel smothered. and i hate to smother. anyways, i'm getting off topic. i have a friend that has had so many relationships i can't even count them all my fingers and toes. she told me the other day that she wished she could switch places with me for a day. to experience what it was like to not have all that baggage, all that pain. i'm starting to see how everyone wants what they can't have.

i saw this guy the other day. we're sort of friends, more like acquaintances. anyways, i was looking at him and i realized he is beautiful. i know that's not a way you describe a man, but that is seriously what he is. like, there is a perfect symmetry to his face (i have a thing about symmetry), his eyes are gorgeous, he has the cutest smile, and one of the best bodies i have seen in a while. i'm not saying all of this because i like him (although if he asked me out, i wouldn't say no... but he would never ask me out. i'm so out of his league- that isn't supposed to sound condescending, it's just a fact) i'm saying this because i asked the friend that was with me if she thought he was cute and she said no. i think it's funny the way people see differently. like our different attractions, our different likes and dislikes. i'm starting to appreciate how God made us all unique. my goal this year is to appreciate myself. whether i'm feeling cute or fat or smart or gross or dumb or goofy or sick or whatever. i want to be truly happy with who i am. with who God has made me to be.

i am

tired. i feel like crap. and even the office isn't making me feel any better.

i had the scariest dream last night. my family and i- plus the beckers, were living in the cohen's house from the OC. which is all fine and dandy, except we were being stalked by a serial killer who kept threatening to slice our throats. basically it freaked me out and i woke up at 830am practically screaming.

okay now the office is making me feel better. jim is impersonating dwight and that is amazing.

so my dream (and my 4.25 mile walk yesterday) drained all of my energy. so i spent the day on facebook and trying to catch up on my laundry. i decided that when a person has 19 pairs of jeans, it's bordering on ridiculousness and that there needs to be some sort of consolidation. tomorrow after i get home from JB's birthday party that's what i am going to do.

"i need two men on this, that's what she said." -michael from the office. amazing.

this is the most

ADHD, hypocritical, contradicting blog ever.

I'm watching Spark of Insanity right now. It's my second time trying to watch it because I just spent like, half of it talking with Austin via Facebook IM. Which I usually hate. But for some reason I've been on it like all day. Mostly because I have had nothing to do. I did end up going for a jog in the rain. I was soaked after 10 minutes and decided after 35 that I was just going to be done for the day. I'm 5 miles and 2 runs behind my goal so I'm going to try and catch up tomorrow. Anyways, Spark of Insanity is absolutely hilarious.

"I'm going to come back as a sensative guy driving a blue frikin' Prius! You know what those cars sound like? I'mmmmmmm gaaaaaaaay." So funny!

i was on postsecret.com today

and i saw this secret.















I am afraid of:
falling
being alone
rejection
love
failing
perfection

AnnaMac and I

were talking tonight at CityFest and I don't what it is about this woman, but she has this look that's like, "You're not telling me something and you need to tell me. I know you'll feel better once it's off your chest so just let me know what's going on. Please?" Seriously, she can convey all of that with one single look. I was given this look today and I just sort of broke down. Told her about the comment made by my "Christian Sister", my drinking habits, and my feelings about myself and God. Basically I was just sobbing in the middle of Portland, of course in front of the twins, who, I don't know if they realize this, but I am ALWAYS crying in front of them. Maybe it's just bad timing or maybe they don't even notice, but I can count at least five separate occasions where they have been in my general vicinity and I've been crying. So embarrassing. Besides all of that, Anna and I prayed for my problems, I confessed my sins and asked Jesus to forgive me. I just felt like the whole time Jesus was just saying, "I love you so much! No matter what you do, I will always love you and I will always be there for you. I forgive you for making those choices. stop making yourself feeling guilty about it because it's over and done with now. Start from here. Right now. And never forget that I love you!" To say the least, it was amazing.

And then! Anna became AnnaMac. TobyMac came on and she just started jamming out- singing with him and jumping up and down! She was too funny!

I am so thankful that God has put Anna in my life; I don't know where I'd be if she wasn't around. I just feel like I can always tell her what I'm feeling without having to apologize or feel guilty. She is such a blessing to me. :)

obviously

have too much time on my hands. that and i can't shut my brain off long enough to go to sleep.

the boys were way cute today.

they stole my iPods.

they played with their pop-up play houses.

they were really pretty great compared to the lethargic boys i had yesterday.

i am in the midst

of reading the best book ever. The chapter I'm on right now is entitled, "About My Sexual Failure." It is really hilarious.

Not That You Asked: Rants, Exploits, and Obsessions by Steve Almond

i smell like

oatmeal, syrup, chicken strips and yogurt. Mostly because the triplets decided to spill the contents of their breakfast / lunch on my shirt. I smell gross. I feel gross. And I have no idea what my plans are for tonight. I was supposed to go to this comedy show with Jess, but I was also supposed to have Lindsey and Tal over for SingStar and a movie. But Tal never called Lindsey back and Lindsey is going to the Waterfront to see Chris Tomlin. My plans are all up in the air and I hate that.

However something amazing did happen today. My new Nike+ shoes came!! Yay! Considering I spent $25 on shipping alone I should have gotten them yesterday, but I am still pretty content I got them before the weekend. I know one thing for sure about tonight- I am going to go out for a run and break these shoes in. :)

at the calling tonight

Steve was talking about when we're stuck in our relationship with God. It got me thinking that a few weeks ago, I was stuck. I feel like I still am. I get so caught up in the littlest things- like the stupid comment about my tattoo. "You know having a tattoo is a sin, right?" See? I'm still pissed about it, I just won't let it go. I think because it came from someone I thought was my friend, someone who I thought was trying to love others how God loves us, and she was just so snarky about it- I can't drop it. But I'm going to try. I'm not any better than her if I can't forgive her.

I was so excited about building my relationship with God and I just feel like I don't care anymore. I don't really feel like I fit in at my college group, I feel socially unaccepted. Part of it is because I outcast myself. I only speak with my friends, I don't reach out to others. I guess I can't complain because I'm the one hurting myself.

I think the other thing is that I'm not like the other people. Maybe it means I'm not really a Christian. But like, I believe that God sent His son who died on the cross for our sins. So I'm a Christian right? I don't think so. I'm a believer, but I don't live the life of a Christian. I drink, I swear, I judge others, I absolutely love things that are completely offensive, i.e. Superbad, Dane Cook, etc.

Speaking of being un Christian like, I am such a jerk. My mom just came in here and all she asked for was to go into my bathroom and take off her nail polish. I totally just reamed her. I didn't mean to, but why in God's green earth does she have to come into my room thirteen different times in 10 minutes, why doesn't she have her own nail polish remover (a question I asked her and she said, "I don't have the cotton balls". 1. Demetri Martin would never want the nickname of Cotton Balls. 2. I bought those at Target last week. 3. She is 47 years old! Why doesn't she have her own cotton balls / nail polish remover? That is all.)? Basically it comes down to me having no patience, to being tired, to yelling at her because she's my mom and she has to love me, and to being a bitch. Sorry, but there isn't another word for the way I just acted towards my mother.

I think that is all I can ramble on about now. I'll definitely have more tomorrow because Lindsey and Tal are supposed to come over and watch movies and play SingStar. Run on sentence much? I've decided that Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody is one of the best karaoke songs ever. Okay. Now I'm done.

something is wrong

with me. Yesterday I felt like complete and utter crap. Today I slept 12 hours- from midnight to noon. Which is soooo not typical, seeing that I usually get only about 5 or 6 hours a night. I really hope I am not getting sick. I cannot afford to get sick. I'm going to go for a walk, maybe 4 miles of fresh air will perk me up...

i have had

the worst headache of my life today. it was so bad that during french class i couldn't even see. my vision went to the crapper and i felt like i was going to ralph. it was horrible. and it lasted allllllllllllllllll day. seriously, it's still hammering at the back of my skull. this blows.

ro, who is the owner of the house i threw the party at, asked me to housesit this weekend. of course i said yes, it's $25 a night, but i think i am done with parties at other houses for now. maybe when my parents are out of town i'll throw a kegger. with all those church kids. yep, that's the plan.

one last thing (not that you asked)* is that i am planning on getting a tattoo soon. i want "listen to your heart" in japanese down my spine. i should probably ask austin to check the characters i found.

*(not that you asked) is this book i'm reading by steve almond. basically it's the best thing ever. he calls oprah "the walmart of hope". seriously, it doesn't get any better than that.

so that last post

didn't make much sense. So let me start from the beginning. I've been housesitting for Ro and she said I could have a party. So I did. It was only people from church, totally not a big deal. Anyway, after people had started leaving at like, 1030pm, the cops came at 11pm. Apparently a neighbor called and complain- yet they never came over to the house to ask if we could be quiet. So obviously there was no sort of courtesy there. Ro called after the whole cop incident and she just laughed. She thought it was the funniest thing ever, mostly because I'm this "good church girl" and I would never do anything stupid. (Sidebar: I am not so good, and I do do stupid things. Even last night, I was drinking. Like 2 Mike's which barely even count. It's not like I was doing shots of Mango Rum with Squirt chasers...) Yeah, it was ridiculous. I waaaay dislike those neighbors.
Most everyone was gone by midnight, but Suzanne, Lindsey, and Chris stuck around and we played games until 230am when Suzanne and Lindsey left. After they were gone Chris and I turned on the Olympics and watched the soccer game on USA Network until 330am. He left, I went to sleep, and I'm still sooo tired.

I just checked Yahoo! and Michael Phelps is offically the greatest Olympian of all time! He won his 8th gold medal at the Beijing Games! He is epically redonkulous. Which is an inside joke phrase, so why I just wrote it I'm not sure. Probablu because I am lame. Seriously though, after watching Michael Phelps all week, I really want to go swimming! :)

exhausted

partied out. cops called. noise complaint. ridiculous. chris just left. sleep.

my morning so far

3:55am: the shrill of my cell phone alarm wakes me up. i think i could pretty much murder the person that invented 6am flights.
3:57am: my alarm is still going off. one- i can't find it, it must be buried under my pillows somewhere. two- it would take too much effort to try and find it so i'll just tune it out until it stops.
4:05am: second alarm goes off. maybe i should get out of bed right now.
4:09am: dad comes in. okay okay i'm up now.
4:13am: finally get out of bed. this sucks. i get dressed and brush my teeth. two most important things that needed to be done when leaving the house. eh, i'll even go one more and put in my contacts.
4:25am: off to the airport. freezing in the backseat. basically dying of hypothermia. why? the ac is on. even though it is only 50 degrees outside.
4:40am: say goodbye to mom and dad. all ready to leave but... i'm stuck in my stinking spot. a red volvo station wagon has blocked my left exit and a silver beamer, "Ali 23" it says on the license plate, is PARKED in front of me, the owner nowhere to be found.
4:48am: still stuck. still pissed. am about to run down Ali 23.
4:52am: finally the red volvo moves, after the polite asking of my dad to get the heck out of the way. as i'm trying to leave, a red bronco pulls right into where the volvo was. Ali 23 is still parked with their hazards on but no driver. seriously, i hate portland.
4:53am: i'm out. thank the lord. i call my dad to apologize- i yelled at him, and ask if Ali 23 comes back to pass on the message that the PDX drop off lane, IS NOT A FREAKING PARKING LOT.

i'm done for the day. i'm going back to bed.

i was just

in the office and me and my mom were talking about my walking. She did the whole, "I'm proud of you thing" and I kept reminding her I've only been walking for a couple of weeks. Chances are I'll quit when it starts to rain. Anyway, she asked if I bring my cell with me and of course I don't. It weighs my pants down when I run every other block. I should have just said yes because then she was all like, "You don't bring your phone with you! You could get abducted!!!" Um, Mom? Fat girls don't get abducted. Especially in a neighborhood populated by senior citizens. In Salmon Creek. When was the last time there was ever any crime up in these zip codes? Yeah, never.

So Alex and I forced ourselves to go to French class today. Probably not the smartest idea. I basically wanted to rip out the lower half of my body (I hurt my hip yesterday) and I was on some painkillers and I was just super giggly. By the way, yes, I know that is a run on sentence. I do that on purpose because it is the way I talk, and I write the way I talk. Back to my story, Alex and I were just laughing away in class, doodling in each others books. Well, I guess I was doodling in hers and she kept trying to steal my eraser so she could erase some of my wonderfully artistic drawings of stick figures. Madame Blankinship called us out on it and she started calling us infants. She ask Alex how old she was. 16? 17? Well, Alex is 20. Needless to say, she was a little offended /embarrassed. It was funny though because then she started singing, "When I young, I never needed anyone..." It was absolutely hilarious. Since she had been singing that song in Hanna before class started and then it just got stuck in my head all day. And not the good version either. The one by Celine Dion. Yeah. Not so good.

Like I said last night, I went online to see the results of the Men's 4 x 100 freestyle relay. I saw that the US had won so I wasn't going to watch it. But of course I did and it was the greatest race of all time. Even though I knew they won, I got so nervous for them at the end because it looked like Jason Lezak wasn't going to make it there before Alain Bernard. But when he did I was so happy for them I almost cried! I was glad I watched it.

stinkin' olympics

are keeping me up. I wanted to go to sleep like, 2 hours ago. But then I got caught watching gymnastics and swimming. I really wanted to watch the Men's 4x100 relay, mostly because France's team are being jerks. However there is no way in Gods green earth that I am staying up until midnight and waking up at seven, so I checked the scores on Yahoo! Heck yes USA beat France by .08 seconds! Now I can go to sleep and watch the race in the morning. Thank God for TiVo. :)

i have so not

been around lately. I've been working, going to school, going to interviews (!), and walking like crazy. Which means, tomorrow, instead of going to school, going to Ro's and Brandi's, and taking Jewel and Juno on a three mile trek around the neighborhood, I'd really like to stay in my bed all day and hibernate. Will it happen? Not a chance.

I'm watching the Olympics right now. I was so ready to boycott because there was just too much hype and it bothered me. But then I realized that I thoroughly enjoy watching the Olympics. The USA Womens gymnastic team is on right now. I'd kill to be able to do 1/10th of what they can do. It's ridiculous how they twist and turn and flip and fly.

I learned a new song on my guitar. You Never Get What You Want by Patty Griffin. Not everybody likes her, but I love her voice. It's raw and cracked and I wish I could sound like that. I don't know why, it's just so beautiful to me. You can really hear the pain she has gone through and even the love she's experienced. Its got personality, it isn't some sort of cookie cutter pop star sound.

i was on cnn.com

and there is this big scandal over the Gossip Girl TV ads. They're saying the ads are risque- dealing with teen sex, drugs, and drinking. Well, I hate to break it to you CNN.com but that's what teens are dealing with. So stop criticizing this stinkin' soap and just deal with it. Maybe instead of reaming a TV show, you should be reaming your kids 'cause Lord knows they are out there right now getting drunk and having sex.

i have

nothing of value to say.

EVER.

i'm starting

a new book. The Tenth Circle by Jodi Picoult. I went online today to find out more about the movie, but that plan backfired. I Googled the title, and that took me to Wikipedia (my favorite site in the world) and the stinkin' description of the book gave away the ending! Which I figured it would do, but I was just going to stop reading when I got close to the end, BUT the ending sentence was right at my eye level and it was the first sentence I read. Dang it.

Alex came over today- we were supposed to do our French homework but we watched Disturbia instead. I own it, but had never seen it until tonight. Let me tell you, it was AMAZING! Seriously, I knew it was going to be good because it had Shia LaBeouf in it, but it was really fantastic. It kept me guessing and I was shocked when things happened. I will definitely be watching that one again.

When Alex was going through my movies I realized that I have a lot of movies that I haven't even seen. I.E. Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, The Departed, Snatch, Little Miss Sunshine, We Are Marshall, A Prairie Home Companion, Elizabethtown, License To Drive, Hairspray (1988), Love Story, You Got Served, and Love Actually. The Graduate and Monster, I've seen the first 1/2 to 3/4 and never finished them. I should get on that.

"You are not having sex on this stage!" Again, one of the greatest movie lines ever. I'm watching Miss Congeniality, I should really be going to bed. I've got Sunday Summer Camp announcements/prayer at 835, Carissa at 930, then SSC second service at 1025. It's going to be a busy morning...

i would really appreciate

a response from one of the families I emailed about their need for a nanny. If you are going to post an ad on Craigslist.com for a nanny, and a highly qualified nanny inquires about said position, then you need to either email me back a yes answer or tell me the job has been filled.

A little courtesy goes a long way people.

That is all.

sissy gave me

my birthday present today. Two new Jodi Picoult books. Seriously, I am addicted to them. I have like, eight. Next on my list to buy is Vanishing Acts & Keeping Faith. Those and The Art Of War. Don't ask me why I need to read that. Just sounds like something I need to be prepared for. :)

Also, I love that ever since I read the Kurt Vonnegut book, I am using as many semicolons as I can.

wow

eight hours with the triplets really takes its toll. I feel like I'm going to die. Also because Carissa and I ate Panda last night, so I decided to work some of it off by taking the boys on a three mile stroll around the neighborhood. Around and around and around. I'm pretty sure we passed by 27th & 8th like six times.

I was reading PerezHilton.com a little bit ago and he was talking about Jessica Simpson's interview with Elle. Something she said that stood out to me...

On her life changing incident:“I was singing ‘9 to 5’ and I choked and forgot the words in front of the president and in front of Dolly Parton, who’s like the president to me. And the last time I sang in front of the president , I had messed up the lyrics to ‘God Bless America’ so its kind of a thing I have with George W. Anyway, I broke down and said I’m sorry in front of the whole audience. My dad was there. I looked him in the face and said, ‘I will never sing again.’"

Um, Jessica? Is that a promise? Between her and Miley Cyrus what is the world coming to?

Anywho, I decided on something super important today. I am going to be a writer. Granted, I'm not going to be a novelist, I want to be one of those cheesy teenage romance novel writers. They aren't too complicated; you only have to come up with like, two or three plot twists. Plus they make loads of money. If your characters are relatable and the relationship is realistic you basically have the whole book. I think I can handle that. So my goal is to finish by the end of fall quarter. I don't think it will take me that long, but I'm hoping by then Po and Lo will edit it for me.

Well, I'm off to church, I've got to meet with Anna about SSC.

jason mraz is

coming to Portland in November. I am so stoked for his concert. He is probably the funniest and most talented pot-smoking singer-songwriter out there. But then again, I am a sucker for anyone who sings and plays the acoustic guitar. Speaking of playing the guitar, I learned a new song yesterday. "If It Makes You Happy" by Sheryl Crow. It's not a difficult song; like four chords and the same strum basically throughout the whole song. I don't know why I am learning to play. I can't carry a tune to save my life, so what's the point of being able to play? I need to learn something like the harmonica. Yep, that's what I'm going to take up.

Alright, I've got the triplets tomorrow so I should get off of here.

I used

a semicolon today. Now ordinarily that would not be something blog-worthy (but what really is?), however I was reading Kurt Vonnegut yesterday and I'd like to share something he wrote about the use of semicolons.

"Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college."

This may not be true for me because I love a good semicolon, but it is freaking hilarious. :)

things i've learned

while being in the presence of Lo and Po.
1. don't start off the hour with 4 shots of mango rum. start slow, try a mikes or a whiskey sour. then go for the bigger stuff.
2. don't do shots with pj. he is the shot nazi.
3. if after peeing in the woods you have to remove nature from your "hoohah" then you squatted down too far.
4. if you are about to commit a party foul, i.e. ralphing, peeing, any sort of body function, you must do it away from the crowd of people. preferably in the woods or in the toilet.
5. never give a drunk girl a phone. or a hot tub.
6. when the cops come because of a "incomplete phone call" pretend to be asleep if you are too intoxicated to speak. also, if you are the one dry heaving in the bathroom, please wait until the cop has exited the home to continue talking to ralph on the big white phone.
7. you can't take offense to anything said by an inebriated person. unless that person sucks. then beat them in the face.
8. don't tell kim her reduced calorie sugar free syrup tastes like butt. she will hit you.
9. taking pictures in the dark will burn your corneas.
10. also, try to refrain from taking photos while you are intoxicated. and if you do, do not try to delete any photos until you've woken up the next morning.

okay i'm done now. i must go to sleep. i'll write more later.

i'm watching

girls just want to have fun. it's from freaking 1985 and it is so bad it's good. "it's the safest thing you'll ever have between your legs." best movie quote ever. i have some serious insomnia going on. i just cannot sleep to save to my life. i think i'm going to have to go to the doctor and get some sedatives. :(

mom and i hung out for a little bit tonight. she was absolutely crazy. we were at kohl's getting lauren and mason's wedding present and mom was getting so mad at the lady that was ringing up our purchase. mom was just like, "some people are just too nice; it makes me angry!" and then i said something about her being my dad and she said, "well, beverly jane i don't have a penis!" my mom, the most non-vulgar person in the world was being totally crude!

so since she was being crazy i decided i'd tell her mine and sylvie's little vagina story. i know it sounds bad but it really, it's not. so sylvie and i were in the living room of the cabin, and sylvie had been drinking so she was being a little more... outgoing to say the least. anyways, we're sitting on the couch and todd is in the chair reading a book. so syl starts saying anything that she thinks will break todd's concentration. she was getting up there to the ten dollar swear words and it wasn't even fazing him. so i decided to help her out and i screamed, "vagina!" and holy crap, todd just busted up laughing and people were coming out of the woodwork wondering what the heck was going on. again, probably another story that is only funny to the people that were there, but i wanted y'all to know that the only word that makes todd laugh is vagina.

i got some crazy text messages from lo and p this afternoon. i love that it was only 6pm and they were already drunk. basically i learned that people should never drunk-text. which i should have learned back at the crawfish boil, but obviously it didn't click until now.

so those are my lessons of the day, obviously my day kind of blew. hopefully today will be better. it's lauren's rehearsal dinner, which might be a little stressful but i'm really hoping it will just be a fun time for us all to hang out together before the wedding on saturday.

i just finished

twilight and i finally understand all the hoopla about Edward Cullen. he is basically the most romantic vampire ever. the book was really good, a definite page turner. however i really didn't like that Edward and Bella are so dependent on each other. like, i'm totally down for a close relationship, but they can't live without each other. and they were both kind of whiney about it. i don't know, i guess their neediness was cute in the beginning, but it sort of got annoying that neither one of them could be independent from the other. i'm just not that needy.

alex invited me to a bonfire tonight. but i blew it off. i don't know why. i'm being such a child. like, i'm sitting at home, sulking because i never hang out with anyone, but then when opportunities arise i blow them off. i want to hang out with people but i guess i just like being a hermit more.

i'm glad anna will be back soon. i've been reading my bible a lot more lately and i've still got a bunch of questions to ask her! and i am soooo excited to hear about the slovenia trip!

i should be going to sleep now, but i'm sure i'm going to start a new book. i've only read like 7 so far this summer. hmm what have i read? twilight, songs of the humpback whale, queen of babble, into the wild, captivating, caribbean cruising, tourist trap. i'm trying to decide on whether or not i should start on the lovely bones (which i last read when i was in like, 8th grade) or one of the toni morrison books i picked up from the library. let's go with toni morrison...

i went hiking today.

let me tell you, not a good idea. i just about died going up there, i felt horrible because i was slowing everyone down, and i was mad at myself for two things. 1. because i was/am so freaking out of shape that i can't even climb a stinkin' hill. and 2. because i was complaining. lindsey was being so nice, she was like, just take it slow, baby steps. and i kept nagging her and i just hate doing that. so now here i am taking too many milligrams of ibuprofen and drinking gallons of water trying to combat the pain i know i am going to feel tomorrow. i actually feel more like i'm nursing a massive hangover, but thankfully i haven't been drinking today. or this weekend actually.

but i have been drinking more often. i haven't quite decided how i feel about it all. it's not like i'm getting wasted every night, making fool of myself and going home with some random guy. i'm just relaxing at the end of the day with a few friends and a couple of whiskey sours. there is such a negative stigma associated with underage drinking, at least in the States. if i was in mexico, canada, europe, ANYWHERE other than the States, it would be fine. and to be honest, i enjoy it. i'm with good people, in a controlled environment, i'm just relaxed and having fun. the only thing i worry about is what my friends would say.

well my church friends at least. i think you can drink and be a christian, but my whole problem is i'm not of age. which is a sin in their eyes. but you know, some people at that church think i'm sinner because of my tattoo. and because i support gay marriage and i'm pro-choice. it's frustrating because i am so liberal in my views yet i still love Jesus. and people think that isn't an option. i just don't understand why i can't be both.

so i've been

reading my bible, not daily but as much as i can. i've learned so many new things- i love love love finding out more about Jesus! but i also have so many questions! i can't wait for anna to get back so i can ask her everything!

in the past week God has given me so much peace, i just feel so loved by Him. i'm still having issues with my finances, however i have secured at least a part time job by nannying for the triplets until the end of summer. monday we'll have a concrete schedule worked out and i can apply at some stores for evening work. it's amazing how when i just let go of trying to control everything, God manages to put it all into place.

God showed me something

amazing this weekend. He showed me that I cannot live my life on my own. I need to stop trying to take control, stop thinking only about myself, just let go of everything, and trust Him.
After the retreat this weekend, I kind of just lost it. I've been in a funk since my grandmother died and I just couldn't hold everything in anymore. So I broke down with my mom and told her everything I had been feeling for the past 10 weeks. It felt soooo good just to say everything out loud. The next day I went and had coffee with Anna, thankfully with no tears. We also talked about a lot of the stuff I had been holding on to, and then I just wanted to talk about how I felt God working in my life.

He's been trying to show me that I can't do it all on my own. He is there for me always and He wants to help me, I just need to trust Him. He's been showing me that I need to follow the two greatest commandments; Love God, Love others. I haven't been doing that. It's been me, me, me for too long and I don't like living that way.

My birthday is next week, and my goal for this first year of adulthood (since I'll no longer be a teenager) is to follow after God. Love Him first, people second, and me last. I know it's going to be such a hard journey, but it's finally the path that I WANT to take.

love bites.

i hate feeling like this. everyone is in a relationship, everyone is getting married, everyone has some sort of signifcant other. except me. here i am wallowing in self pity. this blows.

i hate that i feel like i need a man to be complete. i don't want to be one of those girls. but i feel like i have a hole in my heart and i don't know how to fill it.

my brother has no respect

for our parents. at this moment i hate him.

my grandmother

passed away on friday. i wasn't there when it happened but i was there within 90 minutes. by the time i got there her body was already getting cold. i was a little nervous at first because i've never seen a dead body, but i'm glad i came and saw her. i think it gave me some closure. i still can't get the image of her out of my head though. it's not like she changed much in the 24 hours between the last time i saw her and the time that she passed. it was just, yeah, really weird holding her hand and stroking her hand without her looking at me or talking to me.

the family goes back and forth from being okay to then getting upset. i think that is how it's going to be. like at church today, we were all okay until sissy got there and saw bobbie for the first time since it happened. they both just held each other and cried. and it kind of started a chain reaction with the family. i went and then my mom and then my aunt lori. and it seemed like, as soon as we kind of got it together, craig prayed for the congregation, and for us, and we kind of lost it again. it's not that big of a deal, we were at church, in a loving environment. no one was judging us. not like me, when i got the voicemail from my dad and i just lost it in the clark library. i bet people thought i was crazy. but you know what, i don't care. i can't just sit here and think about all of the people that saw me all red faced with tears streaming down my cheeks. in the end it doesn't matter what they thought of me.

i'm not going to school tomorrow, i think i need at least a day. i'll go in on tuesday, but i think i'll just hang out in the library. i'll go back to classes on wednesday. then the funeral is on thursday. like even though i feel like i've grieved for g-ma, and i think i'm okay, i still just want to lay in bed and not do anything. i don't have any energy, and i don't feel up to being happy, funny, outgoing beverly. but people can't handle me being serious or just blah. like, everyone is always, what's going on or are you okay? yes, i am fine, i just don't want to be the entertainment today, it's that so hard to believe? apparently so.

okay, i need to stop typing in this and start reading my book. we're reading lolita for the 20th century novel. i know it's supposed to be all serious and people are supposed to get turned off by the subject matter, but it is just so ridiculous to me it's funny. this pedophile, humbert humbert, is trying so hard to convince his readers that it's okay to lust after a twelve year old girl, and when you really think about their relationship, it was her that instigated all of these sexual advances. like a twelve year old who doesn't even take a daily shower is going to throw herself at a forty year old man. yeah right.

so i feel

like crap. i was sick all night and i skipped school today. i really don't like not being in school. i guess i am just a nerd. so yeah, i stayed in bed all day watching old audrey hepburn movies and reruns of punk'd. i live such an exciting life.

mom is staying over at g-ma's tonight. grandma has been totally out of it lately, but it's not like she'll get any better. she's been really confused, forgetful, and fiesty. when JB and i went over there on saturday after his game at PGE park, she was watching That's So Raven. totally out of the ordinary. mom and dad went over there the other day and mom said that grandma looked from mom to dad to mom to dad- like she had forgotten who they were. she's just getting worse and worse, and we're just waiting for her to die. it makes me really sad. Anna said my heart is grieving. i didn't think this would affect me as much as it is, especially after finding out about a lof of really horrible things grandma did. but she still is my grandmother and i still love her. i just want to be there for my mom and my family, but there isn't anything i can do to make this time easier on everyone.

so becca quit

her job today. which means i'm out of a job for at least a couple of weeks. she's had a rough go of it the last two months so she is going to take some time off to recuperate. i don't blame her, it just doesn't exactly work out in my best interest. like Lauren said last night, i just need to let God handle things and stop worrying. He'll provide for me all that i need. i just need to trust in Him and have faith.

i should be shot.

honestly, i am ridiculous.

i skipped math again today. i had hoped that today i'd be back on track with the class, but i'm still ahead. we're going over 2.5 tomorrow, so i actually have to go to class. lame. i am so bored with school. like, i really enjoy my classes but i don't have enough work to keep me occupied. i almost three hours in breaks and i'm finished with all of my work in about 1. so i have nothing else to do. it'll be nice when i get my HP laptop- i can bring it to school, write papers, keep busy.

i don't have anything too important to talk about. i need to go read my bible before read-thru tonight.

today

was a weird day. I returned my green dress- which I totally loved but it wasn't really practical- to Torrid. Allie was actually nice to me! Allie is never nice to me. She hates me. Which I'm cool with. But today she liked helped me with all of my clothes, and we made small talk, and granted, it was her sale, but she didn't have to be nice. She didn't insult me like last time, which is a step up I guess. Then Josh came over and we went and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was okay. I guess I just had really high hopes for Baby Mama and Forgetting Sarah Marshall and they were both just mildly funny. Nothing to rave about. Oh! And to add to the weirdness, I get home and my dad is watching HGTV. Freaking bizarre.

I went and saw Baby Mama with Alex and Amanda last night. I really like them. They're funny and it's cool to see their twin dynamic. It'd be fun to all go to dinner together. Just a big group of us. I haven't done that in a long time.

Okay I need to finish cleaning and then go to bed. It's been a long day.

at college group tonight

i decided that i worry too much. We were talking about Matthew 6, and the reasons why we shouldn't worry because everything is in God's hands. He has everything planned out for us; we just need to trust Him and have faith in Him and our burdens will be taken care of.

So in our small groups, we were talking about our top 5 worries. Mine are: School, Money, Work, The Future, and Relationships. When I first said relationships, I meant having a boyfriend, but then when we talked about it further I realized I worry about all relationships. I analyze all of my interactions with my friends, with acquaintances, with people I don't even know. Anna said I might be looking for social acceptance- I'll buy that. I've never been popular, but I've never been the outcast. I've always been the funny one or Trevor's little sister. I have always had a lot of friends, but I never let anyone get close enough to really know me. Like, Talia and Laurel are different. I've known them both for so long, I don't scrutinize our conversations or other interactions. Things are always just okay with those two because they have both accepted me for who I really am. I think that I am so scared to let people see me, because I am afraid of rejection. But am I the only one like that? I doubt it. I don't think anyone likes to be rejected- except maybe Nader. Has he said if he's running for President this year? Oh I don't know, I'm off topic. I think what I am going to work on is my need for social acceptance. I need to just let myself be and stop overthinking everything. Lauren pointed out tonight that I was talking a mile a minute. Well, that's how I typically am. I have ADHD and my brain moves faster than I can speak. So I try and get all of my thoughts out before I lose them but then I'm going so fast people are like, Is she on crack? That's something else I'll work on, slowing down. Slowing down my thoughts and slowing down my words. I bet I probably freak some people out with that. Wow. Okay I'm done talking now. I need to sleep!

so i'm sitting here

watching freaking, Young Guns on CMT. You know life is bad when you're watching a western movie starring Emilio Estevez. Yeah. That is what I've succumbed too.

School's been going alright. I got a B on my math test, and a B on my french test. I made stupid mistakes on both of them, but that's cool. I can't complain because I was above the class average. My Carson McCullers bio received an A and some really positive comments from my professor. I didn't think it was all that great, but considering I wrote it in about 20 minutes, I am pleased with my score. Contrary to what you may believe, I am actually a really good writer. I'd love to be a novelist but I'm pretty sure one of their prerequisites is that you have to be an alcoholic. And that I just can't do. Plus, I'm not original and I have nothing of value to discuss. Even in here I just talk about my life- or lack thereof.

I am actually hanging out with some friends on Friday. We're going to grab dinner then check out Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I love all of Judd Apatow's movies so I'm guessing I'll love this one too. I'm excited to step out of my comfort zone and be sociable. A lot of people think that since I'm loud and semi-outgoing, I'm a good hang out person. That, however, is not the case. I'd much rather sit at home by myself with a good book or my guitar. I'm like a bear, I like to hibernate.

finally

i finished my paper on Carson McCullers. I am actually excited to read her book now. Weird, I know.

I have got to study for my French test tomorrow. I am always so afraid I'll fail. I know the French words like the back of my hand; I understand what I'm doing. But still, I'm always scared that she'll test us on things we didn't hardly go over in class and I'll get all messed up and forget everything. Wow. That was a nice run on sentence.

I sat down and played my guitar today. I learned a new song, Stay by Sugarland. I never realized how hard it is to actually play and sing. I've only learned just the chords and the strumming pattern, never put all three things together. I don't think I'm going to worry about singing. It's not like I have a good singing voice anyway. Lame.

Okay, I need to study.

i am

perseverating on this stupid boy. I can barely think. I am trying to write a paper on Carson McCullers for my English class and I can't even concentrate.

Carson McCullers is much more interesting than James Joyce (our last author). She is at least an angsty writer. She was a depressed, alcoholic bisexual and her first husband Reeves was crazy. Joyce was reminiscent of Mozart to me. Mozart in my mind, was a self-indulgent tool. Joyce was the same way. He was an agnostic alcoholic. He had an incestuous relationship with his daughter. And I didn't even understand his book. No one cares about his life at boarding school or his relationships with prostitutes. Or his insane philosophical beliefs about beauty and art.

I hate Joyce.

there is a strange man

sleeping in the bedroom next to mine. It's weird. My dad's friend is in the middle of a divorce and he just closed on his house today. So until he finds a rental home, he's staying with us. I haven't had a boy living in my house for over three years- well, since Trevor chose to leave. It's already so different- like I can't use my garage door opener because my dad doesn't want Jim to wake up. And I can't set the house alarm. I like the house alarm thank you very much. I feel safer knowing that all of the doors are armed and if anyone tries to break in and kill us all, we'll be safe because a super loud alarm will go off. Wow. I think I watch too much ID TV.

ID TV. That is a whole different story. It's this channel where there are crime shows 24/7. I watch it before I go to sleep- it relaxes me. Is that not so bizarre? Last night it was a show about Spree Killers. Like they explained their crimes, interviewed them and did all of these psychological tests on them and stuff. For most people you would think that shows like that right before bed would give them the heebee jeebies. Not me. I guess that makes me crazy. But they are the only things that help me to sleep.

I can't ever sleep. I am such an insomniac. I think too much before I go to bed. Man, tonight is going to suck. Mostly because I have a stupid boy on my mind. I was telling Lo about him and she told me that he likes me. But I don't know, I just can't fathom that. In high school I always had a lot of guy friends- mostly because of my brother, but they all thought of me as the best girl (space) friend. Never in a romantic way. To think that a boy would like me now, is just so different than what I'm used to. I'm comfortable being the friend, not the girlfriend. But now I'm thinking about it even more than I was before. Boys are so complicated. Whatever, I'm sure he doesn't like me anyway. Lo's just trying to be nice and boost my confidence around this guy.

Man, I love Lo! She is just a great person. And she puts up with all of my crap, she should earn a gold star for that alone. Not to mention she listens to everything that I have to say (which is usually A LOT), the changing of all of my plans, and she helps me with my math homework because I totally suck at math. I feel so blessed to have a friend like her. :)

Okay so I have to stop blogging to no one in particular and start writing my paper on Carson McCullers.

it's a beautiful day

here in the 'couve. I asked Stone if he wanted to go to the park with me. He said no and then stabbed me in the eye with a stick. It was an accident of course, but it still hurt like a mother.

I was hanging out in HHL today, and then a man wearing a skirt came in. It was really awkward- like he wasn't in drag and it wasn't a kilt, it was just a skirt. Bizarre.

And I decided today that mustaches are not cute. They either make you look like you have herpes or like you're audtioning to become the Hilter of the 21st century. Thumbs down on mustaches.

So when the sun comes out my ADHD kicks in- hence why this is so completely random. Whatever.

the price of math books

is disgusting! I just spent $100 on my stupid math 089 book. I hope I never have to take math 211- those books were like, $187. It's outrageous.

something else that is disgusting: black jettas. gross.

So today was the first day of Spring term. I've got Math 089, French 102, and English 159. Class was good- but it's still only the first day. My math class is a little nerve-racking because I am so horrible at the subject. French is cool, I'm glad it's with some of the same people from 101. I'm not so glad about a few of the other people in class. But it's cool, I'll work on my tolerance this quarter. Alex switched into The 20th Century Novel, so now I have a friend in that class too. I'm really excited about it- the professor seems pretty laid back so it should be interesting.

I brought G-Ma and Howard dinner last night. She seemed fine, definitely more jaundiced. She looked really tired. Bobbie went and saw her today; she came home saying "I just tried to remember to have patience, and tried to remember my Christian attitude. But then I left."

G-Ma's kind of crabby, and she keeps fibbing to Rhonda (the hospice nurse) about how many Vicodin she's taking. She told me at dinner last night that she had taken three so far, yet she told Rhonda she has only been taking one a day. Thankfully Bobbie told Rhonda the truth, but I don't understand why G-Ma's lying about it. She's dying, I doubt people will be mad about how much Vicodin she's taking, if it relieves her pain.

Whatever, G-Ma is entirely too confusing. I've got to finish my math.....

they're gone

Steve, Kimi, Kyle, and Reid left today. I'm really glad to have things mostly back to normal. Don't get me wrong, I love my uncle and cousins, but I am definitely needing a break from everybody. But will I get it? No. School starts on Monday, Bobbie is still here, and Ruby and Stewart wanted to play Settlers of Catan today. I just want a day to be alone!

I'm excited to go to church tomorrow. And to see my Grandmother. I talked with my mom and everything is okay now. G-Ma still wasn't the best mom, but if my mom can forgive her, then so can I. G-Ma is not doing so well. She's missed family dinner the last three nights and my mom says she's starting to look like death. I want to see her before she goes. I want her to know that she's loved.

so we just played settlers of catan

for the last 2 hours. i totally smoked my mom, i won in like 45 minutes, but she wanted to play until she got to 10 points. which was about 20 minutes ago. by the end of the game i had 21 points and i just basically giving her cards. it was so much fun though. i had a mental breakdown right before we started playing so it was a great way to get my mood back up.

it's just been really hard having everyone here. we are all stressed, we're all tired, and we all want to be in our own homes. especially kyle, kimi, and reid. it's got to be hard spending your spring break in vancouver, when you are supposed to be home england.

it'll be nice when everyone goes home.

i am a horrible granddaughter

My grandma has what? 10 days left to live, and I have completely lost all respect for her. She is a self-serving and ignorant person. I feel stupid for grieving over her, when she never spent more than 5 seconds thinking about my mom. And my mom is such a good and respectful daughter. She's practically a saint. My mom is the middle child, so she had to be the peacemaker growing up. She is still like that, never wanting to cause any trouble, smoothing over any fights, and just doing as she has been told. She has been going through all of Grandma's things, writing out letters, attending all of the doctor's appointments, being there for my Grandma whenever she needs her. Yet, when my mom was growing up, G-Ma didn't care about anybody other than herself- and maybe Howard (her boyfriend for the last 30 years).

Some things I found out today:
1. Grandma was a PARTIER! Granted, I knew that, but in addition to her floozy ways, she would bring home strange, loser guys who would treat her children like complete crap and did she do or say anything to stop it? No. Case in point: G-Ma's a smoker, and so are all of her friends. One boyfriend she brought home, would flick his lighter and put it underneath my mom's chin. Why would he sit there and burn my mother's skin? Because he thought it was funny. And was Grandma in the room while all of this was happening? Yes. Did she stop? Nope. I bet she probably laughed. That just makes me so angry that any mother would left her children be treated like that. Especially by someone they brought home with them. Sis told me that she would run and lock herself in the single bathroom because she didn't know what would happen if she was out there.
2. Grandma was freaking crazy. Sis told me this story about one of the fights that Grandma and Grandpa (who died before I was even born) got in. They were in the house, arguing about something, and he pointed his finger at my Grandma and she bit off the fleshy part of the tip! Apparently, before there was Mike Tyson, there was my Grandmother. Grandpa swung his finger down and ended up splattering Sis with blood. From what I was told, that was the end of their relationship.
3. Grandma only cared about herself. When my grandfather died, she didn't even bother to go to the funeral. I understand that they were divorced, but still, your five children just lost their father. Wouldn't you want to be there for your kids? Apparently not. G-Ma didn't care. She was being selfish. She didn't want to exert any extra energy that wasn't focused on her.
4. Grandma still only cares about herself. She's eighty years old, about to pass and she is still focused on her own agenda. No one is more important than her. When she sold the house that my mother grew up in, the money went into stocks for the grandkids (me, my bro, and my cousins). Once it was sold, it was supposed to be evenly divided among us, and that would be that. Well, when we got our checks on Saturday, they were all $500 short. I'm not being greedy, I am content with what I got, I don't need anymore. But where did the other $5000 go? Well, to Howard of course. And you know, I'm okay with that and everything, she wants to take care of him and she wants him to be financially stable, but there are two things that really irk me. 1. For the past 15 years, G-Ma has said that that money was set aside for her grandchildren and only her grandchildren. Yet, she gave a quarter of it to Howard- even though she is already leaving him a LARGE check. 2. Howard, who has two living sons, one of whom is an addict and has been in and out of jail, are the only two people listed in HIS will. So if he dies tomorrow, his two sons will get all my grandmother's money (Howard has none of his own). All my aunts and uncles asked for, was that Howard change his will so that G-Ma's money would be divided by 7 instead of by 2. And will Howard do it? Nope. Why? Because he's as self-serving as my grandmother. And will G-Ma insist that he changes it, so her kids can be taken care of? Nope. Because she really doesn't care. As long as Howard's good, she's good.

I guess this is really harsh, but at the moment I am ticked off. I am shaking because I am so mad. All I wanted to know this morning when I went to Sis's house, was why she was so unemotional about the rapid deterioration of her mother. She told me these stories and more and said that the reason she is so disconnected from her mother right now, is because she feels like she lost her mother a long time ago. It may sound horrible, but you know, I don't blame her. G-Ma basically abandoned her children. They grew up without a mother.

Happy Easter

Reid and Bobbie flew in from London last night. It's good that they are here. It's kind of surreal though. I typically only see them over the summer, because flying to PDX from Heathrow is not cheap. I don't know why it's weird though. Maybe just because they are here, waiting for Grandma to die. Whatever. I need talk about something a little more positive. All of this death stuff is rather morbid.

Granted, this is probably not the best time to start a blog. My bad, I guess.

G-Ma

So my Grandma Jane, my mom's mom, has had cancer for about eight years now. Two months ago, she was given about 6 months to live. Hospice was set up, the family flew in, and we all said our goodbyes. On Thursday, I got home from church and my mom said that she wanted to talk with me. I was sitting there thinking, "Great. She's going to give me another lecture on responsibility and then she's going to tell me go clean my room. Lame." Well, that was not the case. Instead, Mom told me that Grandma Jane has only about three weeks left. Her liver and kidneys have both started failing, and for the first time, she looks like death is knocking on her door.

I don't know what to do. I have all of these feelings and emotions and I don't have anywhere to put them. They just keep running throughout my mind. I've dealt with death in the past, but this is different. My grandfather died of cancer in 2001; I was only 12 at the time. I was old enough to understand what death was, and the fact I'd never see my grandfather again, but at the same time, I didn't know what was happening to my dad. I just remember it was the first time I'd ever seen him cry. And then with Sean and Nichole, their deaths were both accidents. It's different when someone is taken from you unexpectedly, as opposed to seeing their disease slowly break them down until there is nothing left.

I just want to be there for my mom. But to be honest I'm scared. It's hard enough seeing everyone now, and G-Ma's still alive. I can't imagine what it will be like when she dies. I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it through.