my grandmother

passed away on friday. i wasn't there when it happened but i was there within 90 minutes. by the time i got there her body was already getting cold. i was a little nervous at first because i've never seen a dead body, but i'm glad i came and saw her. i think it gave me some closure. i still can't get the image of her out of my head though. it's not like she changed much in the 24 hours between the last time i saw her and the time that she passed. it was just, yeah, really weird holding her hand and stroking her hand without her looking at me or talking to me.

the family goes back and forth from being okay to then getting upset. i think that is how it's going to be. like at church today, we were all okay until sissy got there and saw bobbie for the first time since it happened. they both just held each other and cried. and it kind of started a chain reaction with the family. i went and then my mom and then my aunt lori. and it seemed like, as soon as we kind of got it together, craig prayed for the congregation, and for us, and we kind of lost it again. it's not that big of a deal, we were at church, in a loving environment. no one was judging us. not like me, when i got the voicemail from my dad and i just lost it in the clark library. i bet people thought i was crazy. but you know what, i don't care. i can't just sit here and think about all of the people that saw me all red faced with tears streaming down my cheeks. in the end it doesn't matter what they thought of me.

i'm not going to school tomorrow, i think i need at least a day. i'll go in on tuesday, but i think i'll just hang out in the library. i'll go back to classes on wednesday. then the funeral is on thursday. like even though i feel like i've grieved for g-ma, and i think i'm okay, i still just want to lay in bed and not do anything. i don't have any energy, and i don't feel up to being happy, funny, outgoing beverly. but people can't handle me being serious or just blah. like, everyone is always, what's going on or are you okay? yes, i am fine, i just don't want to be the entertainment today, it's that so hard to believe? apparently so.

okay, i need to stop typing in this and start reading my book. we're reading lolita for the 20th century novel. i know it's supposed to be all serious and people are supposed to get turned off by the subject matter, but it is just so ridiculous to me it's funny. this pedophile, humbert humbert, is trying so hard to convince his readers that it's okay to lust after a twelve year old girl, and when you really think about their relationship, it was her that instigated all of these sexual advances. like a twelve year old who doesn't even take a daily shower is going to throw herself at a forty year old man. yeah right.