even though i am so afraid of love it's still something i want. i want to experience a relationship, someone who loves me for me- in spite of all my negative qualities i.e. my loud, obnoxious laugh, the fact that i'm not perfect, my need to hold on to everything- good or bad, etc. i want someone i can call when i have something stupid to say, someone to just talk with whenever. but i don't want someone to be there all of the time. i hate to feel smothered. and i hate to smother. anyways, i'm getting off topic. i have a friend that has had so many relationships i can't even count them all my fingers and toes. she told me the other day that she wished she could switch places with me for a day. to experience what it was like to not have all that baggage, all that pain. i'm starting to see how everyone wants what they can't have.
i saw this guy the other day. we're sort of friends, more like acquaintances. anyways, i was looking at him and i realized he is beautiful. i know that's not a way you describe a man, but that is seriously what he is. like, there is a perfect symmetry to his face (i have a thing about symmetry), his eyes are gorgeous, he has the cutest smile, and one of the best bodies i have seen in a while. i'm not saying all of this because i like him (although if he asked me out, i wouldn't say no... but he would never ask me out. i'm so out of his league- that isn't supposed to sound condescending, it's just a fact) i'm saying this because i asked the friend that was with me if she thought he was cute and she said no. i think it's funny the way people see differently. like our different attractions, our different likes and dislikes. i'm starting to appreciate how God made us all unique. my goal this year is to appreciate myself. whether i'm feeling cute or fat or smart or gross or dumb or goofy or sick or whatever. i want to be truly happy with who i am. with who God has made me to be.
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